........... ...........
Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome! I hope you all enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing it. A little about myself? Not much to say. I'm just a girl trying to figure out life and its many complications. I call myself a "scribbler of dreams," hence this blog. I'm a dreamer, an extrovert, a slacker, a "mush-gush," a performer, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and "that girl." I study theatre and plan to make a successful career out it...preferably musical...maybe BrOaDwAy? Who knows, right? My climax awaits...but for now, I'm only in the "rising action" of the story of my life. Every day is another page turned; every year, another chapter. My objective in life is to enjoy it (in, of course, a healthy and responsible way). I may not be the best person sometimes, but I try my best to be a good one. I pray each and every page of your book be wonderful. Thank you and may God bless you always,
Monica
........... ...........
.........
"Life is the ultimate experience of agony and happiness."
-Paul Gulisano
..........
.........
|
 |
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Sorry I've taken so long to write in my blog. wow. Its been 2 months and a half...
It's been a crazy 2 months and a half, though. With so much to think about and deal with, (especially with no comfortable online access) it's been basically impossible to write. Thanks to all whom have kept checking on it, and I'm sorry to disappoint you if I have.
Anyways...phew! From my FTC trip to my IE's auditions to One Acts to family and friends and Raul, Paul, Alex Torres, Alex Bekker, Rafi, and, of course, the one who's the furthest, but the closest to me: Juan. (lol...sounds horrible, I know...but it's really not as it may seem...not in the mood for lengthy details.) it's been crazy! okay, okay fine...a brief summary...
FTC was a blast! I got really close to my drama troupe, learned a lot, and can't wait to do it next year. Sad part is that it wont be with the same people. We didnt do as well as we deserved despite some people's opinions...I honestly thought that compared to the other troupes that were there, we did a phenominal job. We did get some individual acclaim, in which i'm really proud of (*snaps* for Abe, Brandon and of course the ever-so-talented and reknowned Akeem) <sorry Miss if i wasn't supposed to mention names (it seems someone from drama wrote something personal and negative about another fellow thespian and Miss found out and announced that it shouldnt be done again...but mine was positive, so i'm sure it'll be okay.)
Anywho, IE's auditions were a sob fest for me because i had been waiting for the chance to be able to perform and compete with my own solo musical piece since the ninth grade and i was completely unprepared...mostly because i guess i'm always on cloud nine and despistada and find things out when it's too late. Anywho...Steph saved my butt when she let me spend the night and helped me and gave me some material to work with. It really meant a lot to me because she and her mom went to all lengths to help me. They really made me happy. After a gruesome audition in which ended with my mentor, Miss, calling my work "weak" (which it totally was, but it's just difficult hearing it from her), i find out some time after she gave me the chance to do the piece i auditioned with "Gimme, Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie the Broadway musical based on the old movie who's setting is in the 1920's giving it a jazzy feel to it (very cute, i assure!). I was and am really excited about it! I just recently went to a voice lesson with Krop's ex chorus teacher, Ms. Chasin, who we all miss soooo much! She helped me and gave me confidence with the piece. It was the last toughie of a note! But i've finally nailed it!
Anywho...the One Acts results were as disappointing as FTC's...but w/e...and I was happy to be able to work as a techie and as "donation give-away supervisor" for the Visions and Drama shows.
Which brings me to Raul...::sigh:: We're definitely over now...Maybe it's better this way...maybe not...I miss him...his company and love and friendship...but ive realized a lot since then. My mom, of course with the best intension but not the best understanding, made sure we stayed disconnected.
Paul...he now has a girlfriend and i'm genuinely happy for him, although he might doubt my genuinity. lol...I love him a lot. I hope we stay permanently close...but just as friends. It was an interesting experience that little phase though. lol Its definitely for the better. Yay for Paul and Valerie! I'm glad he's finally found someone.
Well...then "Mister seemingly perfect" Alex Torres, who I had a blast with at Gisey's sister's 15's, and I became...close. Close enough to introduce me to his parents, i guess. And to do all that and then not call me and say that its because he's "been busy"...uh-uh...that's messed up. Yea I was kinda freaking out cuz i was meeting his parents after like a week, which was okay, but ...w/e...i dunno. It's just really messed up but im over it. It just sucks cuz we were friends before anything.
Well then Alex Bekker and I have become close again, which is really cool. At first i was thinking about how close we would get...but lately i'm not too sure i wanna get that close. He's turned and matured into such a great guy. He respects my opinions about everything which is so great because i'm not afraid to tell him something and feel stupid about it afterwards. Plus, Brian would feel bad because, well, although Bekker and I have a history of chemistry between us, I told Brian otherwise. I dont want to make more drama, especially between me and a good friend.
Haha and then the day before yesterday I tricked Rafi into believing I was 3½ months pregnant with Juan's baby!! hahahahaha Thing is he believed it because we hadnt seen each other in over a year while i was still with juan and I had stuck my tummy out enough to look pregnant! hahahaha It was hilarious! Poor Rafi's eyes got watery and would only look at my pregnant-looking belly! I played it off so well, until i couldnt bear his disappointed face anymore and told him the truth. With a sigh of relief he laughed it off for a sec, but he had had a huge realization about me I guess and it much have bothered him a lot because the more he saw of me afterwards, the less he would talk to me. so I left without a goodbye from him...he's weird like that. oh, my first love! lol
::sigh:: which brings me to...*sigh*
well...his friend and I spoke for a while and all i got were positive answers to the negative answers i expected from my many questions i had that he answered without me even having to ask. (did i lose you? lol just read it a couple of times more hehe) anywho... I constantly find myself thinking about it and getting teary-eyed and then my mind starts racing with possible explanations i could give to replace the reason why i'm actually crying so as not to mention his name to then expect a negative remark or an unnecessary lecture which would make me feel even worse and not help me at all. (I hope you're keeping up) Yesterday I walked into CVS' Valentine's Day isle and fought back the sinking feeling i got and the tears that started welling up. I hate it when that happens because then i have to hide it and pretend nothings wrong when so much is actually wrong. I had to leave the isle before they'd really be able to tell i was crying about the realization about our upcoming first year anniversary of our break-up. Why do I even write this? Because I still have faith he might read this and call, except I dont know what that would solve. Maybe it would only make things worse. I know for a fact he feels the same I do, except he's better at ignoring and blocking it than i am. Its embarrasing, but i cant halp the way i still feel. I think the reason why ive been up and down with guys lately (or since) has been to maybe help me not think of him and entertain myself away from the sadness and nostalgia,but of course, it all has been done in an unconscience attempt...which hasnt helped much and has only worsened me emotionally along with my reputation in some people's minds. I dont understand myself or how I feel. I just know i feel it and have been feeling it since last Valentine's day. I've gotten better at blocking since then, but it feels impossible to make it just disappear. Today I watched a movie in which the girl said "I've never left anyone i loved. If I left them, it was because I didn't love them." I wondered if maybe i should contact him. Then I saw another movie and the girl had been strong and had never let anyone see her cry and eventually got over it. Then i thought maybe thats what i should keep doing. But i realized that I havent left him at all. Maybe physically, but not emotionally, because he's always remained there.
I was confused for a while, while i was in a serious relationship after him. Raul made me feel very special. I love him...but maybe i wasnt in love. It hurts me so much to have to say it, but i guess its my current conclusion. Raul was a prince charming. He saved me from a lot. He taught me a lot. He helped a lot. I could never thank him enough. I love him...but not how he deserves it. I dont know if he'll ever read this. If he does, well Pa, thank you and i love you forever for everything youve done for me. You mean the world to me and i crooked pinky promise you that everything i told you was honest about how i felt. Maybe i couldnt fight was for this reason. I dont know. I dont regret any of it, good or bad.
So, i dont know what to do but anxiously wait for January 19th. What will I say then?
I think i never got the closure i needed. maybe a hug or something...a complete understanding both emotionally and mentally about whats to happen. Or maybe...i just miss him. Or "it". Being happy...as happy as i was. People always think it'll never happen again...its a scary thought to think i'll never care about someone as much as i did. But why am i crying after almost year later? Is everyone right? everyone who didnt know him like i did. Am i blind to the obvious? Or am I right? Is he the person i know him to be? Or do i love him enough to accept his faults even if it does hurt me in the end. I dont deserve it, even thought sometimes i think i might. I've repeated what i'll say to him over and over in my mind. I've build up this hope that he'll call me and then actually expect him to and then try to convice myself he wont call so i wont be let down, but i never fully convice myself because of my hope and when he doesnt call...well...it hurts. But i make up excuses about why he didnt and i convince myself it'll happen soon enough.
It seems ridiculous and it is, in context, but i know why i do it...it's because
I'm a fool in love with a fool.
I dont need anybody thinking poorly of me or feeling pity for me or anything. Thats the last thing i need. I'm strong. I cant help my feelings and i wish i could feel differently but i dont, and until i do, i'm not going to change. I've prayed about this so much. I feel this way for a reason. I have hope for a reaosn. gimme the benefit of the doubt. Something's bound to happen because of my hope. I'm not going to be an idiot and lose all sense of pride and morale because i'm a lot smarter than that, but sometimes i cant help but think what i do and cry like i do because the truth is, it still hurts. I dont know if any communication with him or even a possible new start between us is healthy or smart. I dont know the cure for this. whatever it may be, i'm waiting for it. But i htink i'm going to do it the right way. The smart way. I'm not going to hurt myself or anybody else anymore, because it's just not fair. Not fair to me and the other. Whatever may happen, i need people's support on it. I need positivity and advice, instead of negative critique. What someone might say will not change the way i feel. Only God, him, and/or I can change it.
If you are reading this...let me know.
Meanwhile, i'm wishing ya'll a very merry christmas and a happy holiday! I love you all and expect another entry soon. This was just what was on my mind a lot today, which was kind of depressing i know, sorry about that, it was definitely depressing for me too plus it was christmas day...woo...hoo...
I got real nice presents and i spent a lot of time with my family.
love you guys!
|
