ok. so here's my life since my last entry.

I realized Paul and I are meant to be just friends. so we are.

I fell completely in love with Rayner Gabriel Garranchan and now my heart is broken. hmm...

I graduated high school and i'm college now at New World. stressful, but free.

I love my car, elphaba.

My mom might be layed off if tourism doesnt get better.

I love vane and jen = best friends = the trio.

I want to hate him. i cant.

i havent hurt this bad since juan.

all the ex-bfs are back in the picture & i can only think of him. UGHH.

i have no one to call at night before i go to bed and i feel very lonely.

i miss pupi. BWAAAAAA. [[but forreal.]]

i need to get over this. i hate feeling this needy.

i hate hurting. and i hate him for hurting me.

you cant love someone and not want to be with them, can you?

WOW! I havent written in this for soooo long!!
How about we catch up?
So, I'm a junior now and i have like one more year left of school. IM GONNA BE A SENIOR!!!
thats some crazy shit! lol
SO im in school now im my sixth period math class and we're just sitting here doing basically nothing. my favorite thing to do.
My plans for the summer?
maybe a job? maybe at coldstones in Mn st. dunno.
I'm going to NYC i know that because i'm gonna go to an ABSOLUTELY FREE summer camp for people my age with MS. oh yea... wow i havent even written all about my MS thing in here. whoa that just goes to show i really havent written in a long time.
Anywho so after the camp thats in rhode island, im going to NYC for a doc's appt. My doc is the best in the whole country! We're gonna be staying there for a while too and il be able to see broadway shows.
This years musical is Annie. I guess i'm kinda excited about that. I would love the role of annie but i doubt im gonna get it. Im just not the annie type of character u know? im more of a grace farrel (the secretary who takes care of annie). w.e...

Heathman0164: just talkin to u and jennifer
o0SophistiFuNk0o: cool beans
o0SophistiFuNk0o: wait do u have our whole convo?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: or did u x it out?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: plz tell me u didnt
o0SophistiFuNk0o: b/c that was one of the funniest convos ive ever had online
o0SophistiFuNk0o: haha
Heathman0164: i still have it
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ooo send!!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o wants to directly connect.
Heathman0164 is now directly connected.
o0SophistiFuNk0o: yayyyy
Heathman0164: o0SophistiFuNk0o: boo!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: guess who!?
Heathman0164: i have no idea
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ::gasp!::
o0SophistiFuNk0o: how dare you!!??
o0SophistiFuNk0o: i'm insulted!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: you're making my heart hurt
o0SophistiFuNk0o: do you feel my heart hurting, heath?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: do you?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: because i sure as hell feel it!
Heathman0164: i really dont know who this is
Heathman0164: is this sarah
o0SophistiFuNk0o: pffft!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: is this sarah!?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ugh!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ouch!!
Heathman0164: i really dont know, arggggg
Heathman0164: wait is this arianna
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ugh!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: arianna?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: im disgusted!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: heyy
Heathman0164: ahhh man, i have no idea who this iss
o0SophistiFuNk0o: did u know that the name "Lana" backwards is "Anal"
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: hahhaa
Heathman0164: lol, that is funny, but i still dont know who u are
o0SophistiFuNk0o: what rhymes with hannukah?
Heathman0164: nothing
o0SophistiFuNk0o: yessss
o0SophistiFuNk0o: many things!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: think!!
Heathman0164: right now im trying to think of your name
Heathman0164: or who this might be
Heathman0164: i am completely lost right now
o0SophistiFuNk0o: WHAT RHYMES WITH HANUKKAH???
Heathman0164: sandwiche
o0SophistiFuNk0o: NOOOOOO
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ur really bad at this
o0SophistiFuNk0o: u suck
o0SophistiFuNk0o: i dont like you anymore
Heathman0164: yamacha
Heathman0164: huh...u liked me...i really need to know who this is, this is a matter of the heart now
o0SophistiFuNk0o: not literally ...dont feel too special
Heathman0164: it doesnt matter, im allowed to give myself a big head
o0SophistiFuNk0o: omg!!! your heads getting big!! omg its so big its gonna explode!!! oh nooooooooo
Heathman0164: im allowed to be full of myself
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
o0SophistiFuNk0o: heeeeeeeelp
o0SophistiFuNk0o: im drowning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heathman0164: ur drowning in my head
o0SophistiFuNk0o: yessssss
o0SophistiFuNk0o: your brain liquids are ::glup glup:: omg i cant even ::glup glup:: taaaaalk!
Heathman0164: lol
Heathman0164: but really who is this
o0SophistiFuNk0o: ok...ill make this easier for you...
o0SophistiFuNk0o: what rhymes with a musical instrument that rhymes with hannukah that is in the drama magnet?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: or...who?
Heathman0164: ok no instrument rhymes with hannukah, and i know alot of people in the drama magnet, come on give me ur name, my head cant handle for than 2 minutes of thinking
o0SophistiFuNk0o: HARMONICA RYHMES WITH HANNUKAH!!!!
Heathman0164: harmoni
Heathman0164: wait shes in chorus
o0SophistiFuNk0o: YEA BECAUSE HARMONI RHYMES WITH HARMONICA!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: REAL SMART HEATH
o0SophistiFuNk0o: YEA AND HARMONI'S IN CHORUS!!
o0SophistiFuNk0o: CMON MAN!!
Heathman0164: but i thought u were only in chorus, that was crazy, my brain is on fire now, whats up, how is everything
o0SophistiFuNk0o: THIS IS NOT HARMONI!!!!!!
Heathman0164: aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh my brain
o0SophistiFuNk0o: MONICA RHYMES WITH HARMONICA IN WHICH RHYMES WITH HANUKKAH IN WHICH IS IN DRAMA
Heathman0164: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ahahahhaaha, now i didnt see that coming, wow, well i feel dumber than usual, so whats up
o0SophistiFuNk0o: LOL SILLY
o0SophistiFuNk0o: anywho....
o0SophistiFuNk0o: that was fun
Heathman0164: yes, cause putting an innocent black kid through hell by attacking him online with rhyme questions is lots of fun
o0SophistiFuNk0o: hahahahahaha
Heathman0164: so how is everything
o0SophistiFuNk0o: lol gooood
o0SophistiFuNk0o: i got ur s/n from laredis' blog
Heathman0164: yeah, jennifer told me
o0SophistiFuNk0o: haha
Heathman0164: so wat are u doin right now
o0SophistiFuNk0o: makin rhymes for laredis' away message
Heathman0164: cool
o0SophistiFuNk0o: lol
o0SophistiFuNk0o: and yourself?
Heathman0164: just talkin to u and jennifer
o0SophistiFuNk0o: cool beans
o0SophistiFuNk0o: wait do u have our whole convo?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: or did u x it out?
o0SophistiFuNk0o: plz tell me u didnt
o0SophistiFuNk0o: b/c that was one of the funniest convos ive ever had online
o0SophistiFuNk0o: haha
o0SophistiFuNk0o: hahaha twas my response to our conversation
Heathman0164: lol

Well, I'll make this a short one.
So, I spent a lot of time with my cousin Natasha who's from Orlando and is 14. She's really nice, really pretty, and really tall! lol She looks a lot older than me. We bonded. I miss her already! *awww*
Well...i bought a lot of clothes and got great christmas presents from family and friends. Thanks, you guys!
Hung out with Tasha and Steph most of the break and went shopping way too much! It was a lot of fun! Steph and i have a new obsession! sHoEs!! and i have another personal obsession! mY nEw CeRaMiC HaIr sTrAiGhTeNeR that Jen gave me!! I looooooove it!!
guess what!!!!???
It's finally happened!
What i've been awaiting for about 6 years has finally happened!!!

Sorry I've taken so long to write in my blog. wow. Its been 2 months and a half...
It's been a crazy 2 months and a half, though. With so much to think about and deal with, (especially with no comfortable online access) it's been basically impossible to write. Thanks to all whom have kept checking on it, and I'm sorry to disappoint you if I have.
Anyways...phew! From my FTC trip to my IE's auditions to One Acts to family and friends and Raul, Paul, Alex Torres, Alex Bekker, Rafi, and, of course, the one who's the furthest, but the closest to me: Juan. (lol...sounds horrible, I know...but it's really not as it may seem...not in the mood for lengthy details.) it's been crazy! okay, okay fine...a brief summary...

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FTC was a blast! I got really close to my drama troupe, learned a lot, and can't wait to do it next year. Sad part is that it wont be with the same people. We didnt do as well as we deserved despite some people's opinions...I honestly thought that compared to the other troupes that were there, we did a phenominal job. We did get some individual acclaim, in which i'm really proud of (*snaps* for Abe, Brandon and of course the ever-so-talented and reknowned Akeem) <sorry Miss if i wasn't supposed to mention names (it seems someone from drama wrote something personal and negative about another fellow thespian and Miss found out and announced that it shouldnt be done again...but mine was positive, so i'm sure it'll be okay.)

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Anywho, IE's auditions were a sob fest for me because i had been waiting for the chance to be able to perform and compete with my own solo musical piece since the ninth grade and i was completely unprepared...mostly because i guess i'm always on cloud nine and despistada and find things out when it's too late. Anywho...Steph saved my butt when she let me spend the night and helped me and gave me some material to work with. It really meant a lot to me because she and her mom went to all lengths to help me. They really made me happy. After a gruesome audition in which ended with my mentor, Miss, calling my work "weak" (which it totally was, but it's just difficult hearing it from her), i find out some time after she gave me the chance to do the piece i auditioned with "Gimme, Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie the Broadway musical based on the old movie who's setting is in the 1920's giving it a jazzy feel to it (very cute, i assure!). I was and am really excited about it! I just recently went to a voice lesson with Krop's ex chorus teacher, Ms. Chasin, who we all miss soooo much! She helped me and gave me confidence with the piece. It was the last toughie of a note! But i've finally nailed it!

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Anywho...the One Acts results were as disappointing as FTC's...but w/e...and I was happy to be able to work as a techie and as "donation give-away supervisor" for the Visions and Drama shows.
Which brings me to Raul...::sigh:: We're definitely over now...Maybe it's better this way...maybe not...I miss him...his company and love and friendship...but ive realized a lot since then. My mom, of course with the best intension but not the best understanding, made sure we stayed disconnected.
Paul...he now has a girlfriend and i'm genuinely happy for him, although he might doubt my genuinity. lol...I love him a lot. I hope we stay permanently close...but just as friends. It was an interesting experience that little phase though. lol Its definitely for the better. Yay for Paul and Valerie! I'm glad he's finally found someone.
Well...then "Mister seemingly perfect" Alex Torres, who I had a blast with at Gisey's sister's 15's, and I became...close. Close enough to introduce me to his parents, i guess. And to do all that and then not call me and say that its because he's "been busy"...uh-uh...that's messed up. Yea I was kinda freaking out cuz i was meeting his parents after like a week, which was okay, but ...w/e...i dunno. It's just really messed up but im over it. It just sucks cuz we were friends before anything.
Well then Alex Bekker and I have become close again, which is really cool. At first i was thinking about how close we would get...but lately i'm not too sure i wanna get that close. He's turned and matured into such a great guy. He respects my opinions about everything which is so great because i'm not afraid to tell him something and feel stupid about it afterwards. Plus, Brian would feel bad because, well, although Bekker and I have a history of chemistry between us, I told Brian otherwise. I dont want to make more drama, especially between me and a good friend.
Haha and then the day before yesterday I tricked Rafi into believing I was 3½ months pregnant with Juan's baby!! hahahahaha Thing is he believed it because we hadnt seen each other in over a year while i was still with juan and I had stuck my tummy out enough to look pregnant! hahahaha It was hilarious! Poor Rafi's eyes got watery and would only look at my pregnant-looking belly! I played it off so well, until i couldnt bear his disappointed face anymore and told him the truth. With a sigh of relief he laughed it off for a sec, but he had had a huge realization about me I guess and it much have bothered him a lot because the more he saw of me afterwards, the less he would talk to me. so I left without a goodbye from him...he's weird like that. oh, my first love! lol

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::sigh:: which brings me to...*sigh*
well...his friend and I spoke for a while and all i got were positive answers to the negative answers i expected from my many questions i had that he answered without me even having to ask. (did i lose you? lol just read it a couple of times more hehe) anywho... I constantly find myself thinking about it and getting teary-eyed and then my mind starts racing with possible explanations i could give to replace the reason why i'm actually crying so as not to mention his name to then expect a negative remark or an unnecessary lecture which would make me feel even worse and not help me at all. (I hope you're keeping up) Yesterday I walked into CVS' Valentine's Day isle and fought back the sinking feeling i got and the tears that started welling up. I hate it when that happens because then i have to hide it and pretend nothings wrong when so much is actually wrong. I had to leave the isle before they'd really be able to tell i was crying about the realization about our upcoming first year anniversary of our break-up. Why do I even write this? Because I still have faith he might read this and call, except I dont know what that would solve. Maybe it would only make things worse. I know for a fact he feels the same I do, except he's better at ignoring and blocking it than i am. Its embarrasing, but i cant halp the way i still feel. I think the reason why ive been up and down with guys lately (or since) has been to maybe help me not think of him and entertain myself away from the sadness and nostalgia,but of course, it all has been done in an unconscience attempt...which hasnt helped much and has only worsened me emotionally along with my reputation in some people's minds. I dont understand myself or how I feel. I just know i feel it and have been feeling it since last Valentine's day. I've gotten better at blocking since then, but it feels impossible to make it just disappear. Today I watched a movie in which the girl said "I've never left anyone i loved. If I left them, it was because I didn't love them." I wondered if maybe i should contact him. Then I saw another movie and the girl had been strong and had never let anyone see her cry and eventually got over it. Then i thought maybe thats what i should keep doing. But i realized that I havent left him at all. Maybe physically, but not emotionally, because he's always remained there.

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I was confused for a while, while i was in a serious relationship after him. Raul made me feel very special. I love him...but maybe i wasnt in love. It hurts me so much to have to say it, but i guess its my current conclusion. Raul was a prince charming. He saved me from a lot. He taught me a lot. He helped a lot. I could never thank him enough. I love him...but not how he deserves it. I dont know if he'll ever read this. If he does, well Pa, thank you and i love you forever for everything youve done for me. You mean the world to me and i crooked pinky promise you that everything i told you was honest about how i felt. Maybe i couldnt fight was for this reason. I dont know. I dont regret any of it, good or bad.

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So, i dont know what to do but anxiously wait for January 19th. What will I say then?
I think i never got the closure i needed. maybe a hug or something...a complete understanding both emotionally and mentally about whats to happen. Or maybe...i just miss him. Or "it". Being happy...as happy as i was. People always think it'll never happen again...its a scary thought to think i'll never care about someone as much as i did. But why am i crying after almost year later? Is everyone right? everyone who didnt know him like i did. Am i blind to the obvious? Or am I right? Is he the person i know him to be? Or do i love him enough to accept his faults even if it does hurt me in the end. I dont deserve it, even thought sometimes i think i might. I've repeated what i'll say to him over and over in my mind. I've build up this hope that he'll call me and then actually expect him to and then try to convice myself he wont call so i wont be let down, but i never fully convice myself because of my hope and when he doesnt call...well...it hurts. But i make up excuses about why he didnt and i convince myself it'll happen soon enough.
It seems ridiculous and it is, in context, but i know why i do it...it's because
I'm a fool in love with a fool.
I dont need anybody thinking poorly of me or feeling pity for me or anything. Thats the last thing i need. I'm strong. I cant help my feelings and i wish i could feel differently but i dont, and until i do, i'm not going to change. I've prayed about this so much. I feel this way for a reason. I have hope for a reaosn. gimme the benefit of the doubt. Something's bound to happen because of my hope. I'm not going to be an idiot and lose all sense of pride and morale because i'm a lot smarter than that, but sometimes i cant help but think what i do and cry like i do because the truth is, it still hurts. I dont know if any communication with him or even a possible new start between us is healthy or smart. I dont know the cure for this. whatever it may be, i'm waiting for it. But i htink i'm going to do it the right way. The smart way. I'm not going to hurt myself or anybody else anymore, because it's just not fair. Not fair to me and the other. Whatever may happen, i need people's support on it. I need positivity and advice, instead of negative critique. What someone might say will not change the way i feel. Only God, him, and/or I can change it.
If you are reading this...let me know.

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Meanwhile, i'm wishing ya'll a very merry christmas and a happy holiday! I love you all and expect another entry soon. This was just what was on my mind a lot today, which was kind of depressing i know, sorry about that, it was definitely depressing for me too plus it was christmas day...woo...hoo...
I got real nice presents and i spent a lot of time with my family.
love you guys!